Saturday, January 2, 2010

Hurt

I’ve tried over and over to write something positive about this absolutely not positive 5 year anniversary of my daughter’s death, but I can’t.

Five years has been a long time. In the past five years I haven’t potty trained Lily. I haven’t watched her graduate from preschool or cry at her first day of kindergarten. I haven’t helped her learn to read or tie her shoes or even practice for a leading role in the second grade revolutionary war play. Instead, I’ve cried and cried and cried some more. I’ve watched other little girls grow up and I’ve watched other mothers help their daughters grow up. I've watched other mothers pray for miracles for their hurting children and receive those miracles, all the while wondering what I did to not get mine. I’ve held my son as he cries and screams “It’s not fair!” and I’ve held my husband as he quietly sobs and whispers, “I just miss her so much.” I’ve had to show another daughter pictures of a little girl long gone and teach her the name of her sister. I’ve been laughing and loving my children and had to leave the room in tears because of the guilt I felt when I realized that one is missing and will never get the chance to grow up with her brother and sister.

Sometimes the story ends there…no comfort, no testimony, no nothing. And then sometimes, if I’m really lucky, I’ll feel my little girl standing next to me. Sometimes I’ll have a dream of what she might look like at the age of eight, getting ready to be baptized by her father. Sometimes I know the church is true and the pain I feel turns to comfort. Sometimes I can walk back into the room I left in tears and be grateful for the blessings I do have.

But most of the time it just hurts.

22 comments:

Marissa said...

Oh MaryBeth, I will never be able to understand what you went through and continue to go through. Just know I love you and think of the sacrifice you have been through often. Your words are so real and I love it! ((HUGS))

Emma said...

We love you Lily!

averpen29 said...

I do not know how you feel because I haven't lived through what you have. I've never lost a child so I cannot empathize...but I can and do sympathize...I am so sorry for the pain you go through daily and the sharper pains that sneak up on you when you least expect it. We love you...Aren, Tatiana, and Lily. And I know that they will be together again. I know that you will get to do the things that you are so missing now with your baby.

joywinn said...

MaryBeth,
Sweet, precious Lily. Everytime I see a picture of her, it melts my heart. What an incredibly beautiful child with a spirit to match. I love just looking at her...the feeling is so powerful. My heart breaks for you...I'm so sorry for the pain ( beyond comprehension) that you and your family have felt these past five years. I'm just so sorry. Love you, MB.
Joy

*~Petra~* said...

Oh MaryBeth. I saw the picture of Lily at the top of your blog last week and saw that the anniversary of her death was fast approaching. I cannot imagine the hurt you feel every day with little to no reprieve and I doubt that there are any words any of us can say that will bring you any comfort as I cannot imagine anything worse than losing a child. Just know that we are thinking about you and praying for you and looking forward to the day when you can be reunited as a family. Lots of love to you. ♥

Sharilyn said...

MaryBeth, you are beautiful beyond words. Lily (and Aren and Tatiana) are so blessed to have you for a mother. I'm SO sorry for the constant pain and I pray for the tender mercy of peace to be with you and your family today and always.

Barbara Rees said...

My heart hurts for you. You put your feelings into words that open the eyes of those of us who haven't suffered that kind of loss and remind us that the wounds of others are always open and waiting to be tended by others.

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

kellyclay said...

MaryBeth, I love you so much and I am so sorry you have had suffer such a tremendous loss. I admire your strength and sense of humor. I am so blessed to be able to call you my friend.

((HUGS))

Higleys said...

Love you
Love Lilly

Kami said...

Thinking of you!

Denise said...

You are one of the strongest people I know.

amygermer said...

I'll never forget the post you wrote about "what not to do or say to a mother who has lost a child". So, I hope I don't say anything that would offend you.
I sometimes try to image what it would feel like to lose a child and all I can think of is "I would die from the pain" How do you survive that kind of pain?

Velda said...

I hurt for you. :-( We're missing her here, too.. it breaks my heart and I can't even imagine how much harder it is for you. Mary was chattering on yesterday about how excited she is to get baptized this year and then stopped and asked about Lily... even she knows the two of them should have grown up together. Please give hugs to your family from me and have them give some back for me too. Lots of love to you guys.

Elizabeth said...

Deli, I am hurting for you too. I can't imagine what you go through from day to day. I don't imagine it gets any easier as time goes on. I pray that you and your family will continue to heal and that there will more days of happiness and less sadness. You are brave beyond words. I just love you guys so much. Peace be with you.
Emerson

Corinne said...

I'm sorry you guys are hurting. These are never the anniversaries you want to remember. I know the pain of losing a child, although she was not as old as Lily. I will never say it will get better because it doesn't. It's been 13 years for me and it still hurts. More children never replace Lily. She was good enough to pass go, collect her $200 and win the game. Just love her. Miss her. Remember that you WILL see her again. We'll be praying for you guys today.

amelia said...

This was so beautifully written.

Emilie and Branden said...

Love you.

Katie said...

MaryBeth, nothing I can say makes any difference but I had to just say I am sorry Lily isn't here for you to hold her and watch her grow up. I am sorry you have to feel the the longing, hurt and pain you feel for her. IT really isn't fair MB. HUGS!!

JAMIE said...

my heart hurts for you.

pixiestylist said...

*sob* <--not an acronym! i'm crying with you!

Maren Hansen said...

Mary Beth, I'm Sarah's friend from her ward. I thought I might mention a wonderful site put up by the sister of a good friend who lost her little girl a year and a half ago. It's called A Good Grief (http://www.agoodgrief.com/). Much love to you on such a hard anniversary.

Linda and Bill said...

We're crying with you. You are still our hero.