Monday, April 26, 2010

Ramblings of a Mother

So, life in our home has been less than stellar these past few weeks. We're not hell bound or anything, well, no more than usual, but we've been dealing with the ghosts of drama past. Aren has had a tough little life, major illness paired with the death of a sister with the same condition followed by a bone marrow transplant less than ten months later. Add to that broken limbs due to osteoporosis, joints that don't move, gray hair and funky skin and you've got the perfect depression storm.

Yup, Aren is ten and has suffered from depression most of his life. He's been popping pills since before he was three, but even medication couldn't keep the monster down this month. We noticed that Aren wasn't himself - he would cry a little more easily and get upset over things that normally didn't phase him and then he couldn't calm himself down, but nothing prepared us for the night when he told Rick he was just done with life. He told Rick he wished he were dead because he wanted to be with Lily again and because he didn't think he was worth it any more.

I couldn't believe it. Anyone who knows Aren can see that he is the sweetest boy around. He absolutely wants to be friends with everyone, adults included. All of his uncles and aunts can attest to the fact that hugs are not optional when he is around, so you can imagine how I would have felt knowing that my poor boy was having these kinds of thoughts.

After weeks of phone calls and screaming at doctors, we finally made our way to a psychiatrist this morning and talked with him for over an hour. We decided the best course of action to take with medication, then the doctor asked if I would consider family therapy. Of course I said yes, but as the day has gone on the thoughts have crept into my head that I am a failure as a parent.

When Lily died I couldn't function. I had never dealt with depression before, even when Rick was in Bosnia and I had a child in the hospital for weeks at a time every month. I've always been able to hold it together. But leaving a lifeless two year old in a diaper and nothing else in a hospital room, knowing the next time I'd see her would be to dress her lifeless body is enough to make the strongest person lose it. I spent the next few months trying to deal with my own feelings, then moving straight into "let's get it done" mode for Aren's transplant, I suppose I neglected to see what was going on with Aren.

Oh, I know I did the best I could with the hand I was dealt, but I still feel horrible that here we are five years later and we're just going to start dealing with all this. I understand the fact that we're dealing with this now is at least better late than never, but still. Guilty feelings creep in and it sucks putting forth the effort to shut them up.

Rambling done.

17 comments:

Emilie and Branden said...

Dude. I need to call you. Will you talk to me about this? Katie is going through something major that I think you'd understand. The universe is handing us too much at once. I'm sure you don't know what that's like. Love you. SOOOO much. You can do this.

Annette said...

Oh MBD- that makes me so sad. You have had to deal with so much more than most of us ever will. Sometimes it makes no sense to me why some people get all the trials. I know this is a poor excuse, but God gives it to the people who can handle it (I'm sure you get sick of hearing that). Just know you are in my prayers, and that you will always have that sense of humor to help you through.

Marissa said...

MaryBeth, I am so sorry you guys are going through this. All I can say is that my prayers will be with you as you begin this journey. I hope you all can find more peace and understanding than you have found before and heal more as individuals and a family. Love you...((HUGS))

Higleys said...

It Sucks! I wish Aren didn't hurt. I wish I had some magical words to make it all better but honestly I don't and Honestly I'm glad you have the chance for family counciling, Not because you are crazy (More than Normal)or a failure (that is not even possible, you work too hard and love just right) but because there are alot of things families need to support each other in and learning new or better skills to cope is good.

Brieann Dillingham said...

I love you, Marybeth! You are in our prayers.

Shera said...

You have had more sadness in your short life than anyone should have in a lifetime. I don't know how you get out of bed in the morning. Nothing you have or have not done can change the fact that Aren has some serious stuff to deal with, and always will. That is not your fault. I love that kid, especially after the day he sat in his apple sauce at my house. He is a survivor, he is related to you. You are always in our prayers!!!

Michemily said...

Good luck!

Lucky Mama said...

I'm so sorry that you and Aren are hurting. I will be praying for you all.

Velda said...

Poor sweet pumpkin. I wish I could give him a hug right now. And I wish I could give you one too.

nelsonturf said...

Love you.

*~Petra~* said...

MaryBeth... you are and have always been a wonderful mother. Don't ever doubt that.

Bless little Aren's heart. It makes me so sad to hear how he is feeling. Both of you will be in my prayers. ♥

Elizabeth said...

MB, I'm so sorry you guys are going through this. I'm glad you have a chance for family therapy. Take it a day at a time. My prayers are with your family.

Kami said...

MBD-Hang in there. There are so many people that look to you for inspiration, more than you know. You are one strong cookie! I hope Aren continues to feel better.

Kimberly said...

Man, life sucks sometimes! And then then Satan sneaks in that guilt factor. You're a wonderful mom and a great friend. I wish I could do something to help. I'll just send extra prayers your way at this time

Mom said...

This is for you to remember forever. Go get a paper and pencil. Write it down. AND never, never, loose it. This is very important. THERE WAS NEVER, EVER, A MORE WONDERFUL MOTHER. Heavenly Father chose you. He knows, Marybeth. You are the only one for your children. And you have done and are doing exactly what you should do. No second guessing! No "what if" ing.

GOT IT!!!

Love you for always and ever

Alison said...

Thanks for sharing your story. I know that you are an incredible mom, and I'll be pulling for Aren.

Katie said...

I am sorry you are having these feelings, and Aren is having the thoughts and feelings he is. I really hope that the steps you guys are taking will help. Sounds like a good plan, I can only imagine....hang in there you are a GREAT Mother MB!